I had a conversation last week with a fine young man of 17 or so who is by all accounts a good egg.  We were at odds over my insistence that it was inappropriate for he and his girlfriend, also a good egg by all accounts, to spend hours alone together in his bedroom when she came over to visit.  I say it is not a proper thing and he responded by asking how is it any different from all the other hours they spend together alone when they were not in the house or under a parents watch.  I’ll tell you how it is different.  It is different because, if he were my child, it would be under my roof and during my watch.  Parenting is not just an exercise in coaching.  It is not just an “x’s” and “o’s” kind of process.  Parenting is that, too, of course.  Parents must be teachers.  Like their counterparts in the school system of your choice, parents teach the basics.  I tell my children how to treat a neighbor and how to pound a nail and how to change a tire and a vacuum cleaner belt.  I show how algebra comes in handy when ordering carpet and lumber and how geometry makes the difference between shelves that hold the boxes and those that don’t.  I remind them that the applicant that speaks well and writes clearly is the most likely to get hired. But where we differ from the teacher in the school system is that we inform our children’s world view by what we do and what we accept.  If I sit in front of the TV and watch reruns of “Sex and The City”, I tacitly approve of using sex and the female form as a medium for simple entertainment.  I know there is more to the show than just that but let’s face it, even TNT advertises the show as a “romp”.  So, if I sit and watch this show whilst my kids are around I show them that I accept that a proper use of the females in my world is for titillation and idle distraction.  If, however, I not only don’t watch but also comment that I think shows like that are degrading to women and disabling of men. And, that I would much prefer that my household not contribute to the slipperiness of the slope upon which it rests, then I teach my children a higher standard.  If I invite a Howard Stern into my home or car, I show my children that it is okay to make fun of the less fortunate as long as it provides for some level of entertainment.  Even if it is entertaining only to the lowest common denominator of the human race.  If I just keep on sliding past this dreck as I move to a better choice up or down the dial I show my children that I have higher standards and that they are pretty easy to live up to.  Just keep turning the knob.  I needn’t even make comment.  By just consistently choosing other more affirming choices I teach by example.  In the same way, by cautioning my son and not allowing him and his friend to spend time alone together in his room I hope to show my son that I think his girlfriend, and by extension, his sisters, deserve to be treated in a more respectful fashion.  It may indeed be an anachronistic standard, what with the advent of the car and the popular culture degrading the status of women and their inherent sense of self-worth, but nonetheless it is my way of withholding that tacit approval of poor behavior.  My ex-brother-in-law used to come into my home and curse in front of my children.  When I asked him to clean it up he told me to lighten up.  And, that certainly they had heard worse on the bus on the way too and from school every day.  It seemed to escape him that there is a difference between how a 6^th grader behaves while pretending to be grown up and how a real grown up ought to act.  I hope it never escapes me.